Well, it looks like I have managed to shock my laptop's internal USB hub through ESD with enough voltage to screw it up. In other words, my USB ports are not working.
If anyone has ideas on how to fix this, if it is even fixable, I'm all ears. I'm thinking I'll go down the RadioShack and buy a PCMIA-USB card, which will (hopefully) last me through college. Although, to be honest, I only use the USB ports for my camera and a mouse. I don't use flash drives anymore; I just dump things on servers and access it there, or directly SSH into my laptop. So the lost of the USB port will not ruin my life, it'll just make it a little more inconvenient.